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It's been awhile since I've been here... not dead, only resting.

Everything is the same.

Except for everything that has changed.
So,I just got an email reply to an email I sent about dancing at a friend's party. I've had a couple of disappointments in dance lately, so I was a bit nervous about it.

Sometimes I know, in a very general, vague way what's in a message, or who's calling on the phone. Like "WTF? I think that's my landlord calling?? But it's not too bad..."

So, I tried the trick with the email. The feeling was Bad. But, when I focused on dance, it was good. I clicked on the link wondering what could be so bad?

mention of suicide...Collapse )



For some considerable time (like, maybe a decade..) I've been contemplating a tattoo - but the design just wasn't quite coming together. Recently I feel like I have a clearer idea of what I'm looking for, but I'm still lost on style... let alone artist.

Sadly, few artists have their portfolios online, and even those that do tend to focus solidly on photographic work, when what I want is a more abstract piece, no fine lines, and only the barest hint of color.

(What do I want? A spider that could be mistaken for a world tree or two crescent moons around a full moon, worked in celtic knotwork, with three pomegrate seeds (or maybe tiny fruits, for clarity) on the abdomen and maybe a recycling symbol hidden on the cephalothroax.)

So.. I guess the only thing to do is start wandering into shops + looking through portfolio books.

This could (still) take awhile.

(why now? Well, it is one thing that I've wanted to do that I CAN work on. For another, I adore tattoo'd mamas - I had given up until post-kid, but hey, why NOT now, right? If I get pregnant first, I can always put it off!)


Mar. 25th, 2010

I've been away from LJ for awhile - I *think* I caught up on most of the important stuff...

Pax has a job!!!!! It's in Boston :( He also got an apartment!!!!
Leo Horoscope for week of February 4, 2010

What will it be, Leo? A time of rampaging ids and slamming doors and lost opportunities? Of strange smells and sweeping views of other people's hells? Or will this be the week you finally slip into the magic sanctuary and track down the secret formula? Will this be the breakthrough moment when you outmaneuver the "dragon" with that non-violent "weapon" you've been saving for when it was absolutely necessary? It really is up to you. Either scenario could unfold. You have to decide which one you prefer, and then set your intention.

(free will astrology)

Yup, that was my day today..... well, maybe minus the strange smells + hells.... although work came close...

Also, so. tired. And it isn't like I didn't get any sleep this week. I took an hour or so nap before dinner, and I think I'm ready for another one.


Jan. 25th, 2010

Weird dreams the past few nights - in both, I was moving. Yesterday, I was moving + had a 2-3 month old son. Today, I was moving into a dorm for school. I dream that I'm moving or going back to school quite a bit.

Bra rant.

So 2009 ended much the way the entire year went - frustrating and out of balance.

Usually, I make an attempt at at least some surface cleaning before the new year. I'd given up this year, but P. and I made a last minute attack at 11:45, and (surprisingly) got the worst of it taken care of.

The top 10 songs of the radio station I listen to were blah - Nico Case in the top 10 + #11. I hate Nico Case. At least the fun Obama song + the gender-bending Uncle song got in.

We didn't kiss at midnight - we're both sick and only 75% sure that we have the same thing.

When I woke up today, I promptly undid all of the kitchen cleaning (er, that he hadn't already) by throwing together bread for the bread machine. I don't much like how it came out, but I'm not sure why.

I'd've woken him up banging around, so I headed to the maul for bra and jeans shopping.

Bra shopping is hell - but I'm down to ONE bra that really fits (a 38D that I've taken in 1.5"-2" on the sides), and I had some hope that I could at least find some cute, cheap bras that I could tailor in much the same way.

No luck.

JC Penney had a great sale going on - but after 45 minutes and 8 or 10 bras, I gave up. I think that an Ambrielle 36DD would almost fit, but they only had ONE, and it was VERY UGLY. The maidenform bras really got me down. They're SO CUTE, and they were the brand that reliably fit back when I first started wearing real bras. But they didn't have any 38Ds in the store - only up to 36D, which is not big enough - by enough that I'm not so sure that the 38Ds would actually work, either.

(Quick bra size primer - the number is the band, and the letter is the cup size. However, the actual volume of a "D" cup changes with the band, thus a 38D has a volume like a 36DD or a 34DDD, except with a bigger band. If I'm buying a 38D, I'm going to have to do some surgery on it to get it to actually fit.)

So.. I went to Fredrick's. Fredrick's uses "F" instead of "DD", AND THEY CARRY THEM IN THE STORE. But in only one style did the 34F actually fit. I bet you didn't know that Fredirck's actually does make Granny Bras, did you? Guess which style fit... I bought two anyway. They were even cute on the rack, but on me... eh. The 36F X-bra (my latest best "off the rack" bra-friend) was too small, even after I took out the inserts. AND it dug into my underarms. Also, the Fredrick's bras have more solid side construction, which makes them a bad candidate for reconstructive surgery.

One thing. MY BOOBS ARE NOT THAT BIG. I mean, they aren't *small*, but they're not HUGE.

And don't we VALUE HUGE BOOBS in America?


(* for less than $60. Because OTHER women get to pay $10-$20.)

(Wait - is this a tax on boob-size? I bet it was created by the Formula people as a tax on breast-feeding!!! (nb - boob size has little to do with milk production.))

Jeans shopping was an even worse disaster. Because I'm not really fitting into the top end of the "normal" sizes, but I'm still somehow too small for "plus" sizes - mostly because they cut the hips nice and big on those, and that's what I need. This may have also been hampered by my indecision regarding the question of whether I was looking for causal day/work jeans, or jeans to look cute in.

I did find cute yoga pants. Unfortunately, this does not automatically lose me the 30lbs that it would take for me to fit into "normal" pants again.

So that's 2010, so far. Now I'm grouchy, and still fighting the dregs of sick. I wanted to go to Salem/Beverly tomorrow for a bellydance show, but there's supposed to be 2"-6" of snow there. 2" is no big deal, but 6"... well, OK, driving for 2+ hours in snow alone when you're still feeling a little less than 100% is probably a bad idea either way. Also, I wanted to go out with friends tonight (either WWII or the after-chill), but I'm too grouchy, with a pervasive undercurrent of "it's all hopeless anyway".


Dec. 17th, 2009

I've been thinking a bunch about monogamy and responsible non-monogamy lately. In the past, I felt that some people were monogamous, and some weren't, and the two shouldn't date, but that was about it.

I was wondering why - which was the "natural state" of humans - when it occurred to me that like almost every other behavior, it's probably not *one* thing at all, but many. We probably all have various internal and external, genetic and behavioral factors that combine into a general preference for "one romantic/life partner relationship" or "multiple romantic/life partner relationships". Or "multiple romantic (or sexual) partners, one life partner" or "one sexual partner, multiple life partners".

Which all seems impossibly obvious now, but was really a revelation at the time!

(or maybe moderately incorrect? Now I'm just running myself in circles...)


Today's thought for the day:

It's hard to find a balance between enjoying (+ fully living) the life that happens while you're making other plans, and not settling for things that aren't in the plan.

Usually, I sway toward too much focus on "the other plans", but lately I've been frustrated by the many points at which I've settled for something that wasn't the plan, but seemed OK "for now".

I guess the scenery along the way is more important than the direction the road takes, as long as the road doesn't go somewhere you don't want to end up.

....which proves that I really do need a phone with Internet Everywhere, so that Google can show me where the pretty roads go in the future!


Sep. 28th, 2009

 Sorry to ask questions + then disappear - I got a cold that seems to have taken my brain out. 

I heard about some supply chain analyst positions opening up in Keene today.   Of course, I heard about it because someone I know was interviewing, so I don't even know if they're still open. 

Did I mention that I have no brain at the moment?  

Speaking of which, I was going to say more, but I think the nighttime part of the nighttime meds just kicked in, and I'd like to actually get my teeth brushed before I completely fall asleep. 


re: yesterday's post

 Today my boss got a call from a recruiter looking for any "Industrial Engineers" that he might be able to send his way.  

His question - "What the hell is a "Industrial Engineer"?"  

After consulting Wikipedia (and we were proud, we're trying to get him to realize that the internet is a valuable resource...), we discovered that we could be defined as a *team* of "industrial engineers".  (His title is "Operations Manager", which is closer than our "Analyst" titles)


Professional identity crisis

 Horrible, hopeless mood swings today.  My co-worker is a saint - he noticed me tearing up over something stupid + gently steered the conversation around until he found *something* that *didn't* have the same effect.  And that took a LOT of steering today. 

"In politics, we fight like tigers for freedom, for the right to elect our leaders, for freedom of movement, choice of residence, choice of what work to pursue - control of our lives, in short.  And then we wake up in the morning and go to work, and all those rights disappear. We no longer insist on them.  And so, for most of the day we return to feudalism.  That is what capitalism is - a version of feudalism in which capital replaces land, and business leaders replace kings.  But the hierarchy remains.  And so we still hand over our lives' labor, under duress, to feed rulers who do no real work." - Blue Mars, p143 

OTOH, I *hate* making decisions.  Especially under-informed ones.  And that's what what high-powered business leaders do.   But I also hate dealing with stinky garbage, and somehow I think my director at work is getting paid more than my garbage man... Also, I'm trying to bust out of that theory of work that pay is inversely proportional to how much one enjoys something.  That's not too hard for me.

The tricky one is that pay is NOT directly related to how much you know.  

And here's a question for anyone still reading - I'm trying to find some keywords to search under to find comparable jobs to what I now do - more for salary research than for job hunting, (at THIS moment, anyway..).  Given the following description of my job, what keywords come to mind?  (or, what salary comes to mind....)

Most of my time is spent maintaining product information for about 60,000 items for about 95 buyers across 7-10 departments (depending on how you count..) - sometimes, the buyers give me product information for one item, and I enter into a system that's designed for one-item-at-a-time entry.  Sometimes, I have to pull together a list of items (say, all Hormel items) from one of 5 data warehousing portals and get those (up to thousands...) changed in the front end of the system - which I usually do with macros.   Sometimes, I have to determine what the new data should be, because the buyers don't know.  Sometimes, I have to train the buyers on how to find the right data.   Sometimes, I have to mediate between the warehouse staff and the buyers.   My team is the "data integrity" team, and I'm always working on figuring out how to find + correct inaccurate data in our system. 

Recently, I've gotten super-user status on a secondary tertiary PO platform for the complicated departments (fresh meat, produce), which is mostly just a second platform for maintenance of items + vendors.  (I know very little about the second, but it sometimes falls to me to maintain it anyhow)

I also pull reports (occasionally even sales related..) out of those 5 data warehousing portals for buyers, directors, warehouse personnel... pretty much anyone who needs data and can't figure out how to get to it on their own (the portals vary in user-friendliness - one requires SQL queries, one uses it's own sql-like language, one is an Excel plug-in in which everything is named in a confusing fashion, one is an access database)

Our office is the "go-to" office if any of the folks in the main room have computer problems.  They call us "the bat cave" or "the IT folks".  We aren't IT, but if you can't figure out why you can't see column A, or how to archive your email (or see your archived email...) we can probably fix it for you.  And we speak "IT", so if you can't understand what they're saying to you, we might be able to translate. 

So.. what would you call that?  I don't think I'm in "database administration".  I certainly do much more than "data entry" or "assistant" - especially since "assistants" are department specific, and I'm responsible *all* the perishable departments.  Certainly other companies must have people who do what I do, right?  

oh, and if you've read this far, you deserve a funny bit - so, right now there are three job postings on the wall at work - all are for "Reefer technician".  Yup, the situation is so bad down there that they need THREE guys to roll joints ;) 


Been busy.

 The past few weeks have been a whirlwind.  I got to go to NYC and take two days worth of workshops from the FCBD ladies - amazing!  They totally explained a few things that I hadn't understood about the style.  So much experiance!  It was amazing. 

I still don't understand *why* people live in a huge city like that, but I think I'm starting to understand *how*.   I think I'd like to live in a city for a month (or maybe a year) sometime to see how it actually plays out.   Also, all the children (as in, 3-6ish) I saw were almost inhumanly well behaved.  Which is good, because they're ever so much more mobile in a crowd.  And there was always a crowd.  

So many things are so different . Grocery shopping.  The concept of "property".   Travel time. 

Then on Thursday was The Food Show.  I think this is the last time I'll do it - I kind of got screwed on shifts (12-3 + Dinner(6:30-9:30) then 6am-11am).  Networking was a DISASTER.  My work persona can't network the same way as my hippie persona can, and for several reasons, I got a big FAIL at finding "drinking buddies".   Also, I kept saying the wrong thing to the wrong person.  Like talking about my fertility issues to the girl with SEVERE endo.  

One co-worker said that he thought I'd do well at Whole Foods (where he came from).  This fellow is a political animal, and I'm not sure if it was a compliment or a veiled snark.   It was also difficult to not say "Oh really?  Well, can you pass my resume to the hiring folks?  My career seems to be going nowhere here!"  (N.B. He's fairly new, and was recently promoted mostly because of his politicing.  Got my BP up, considerably.)  Oh well, if I ever interview there, I can drop that he said I'd do well - I'm sure he did well enough that there'd be some name recognition. 

Also, I ended up sleeping in a smoking room.  In addition to there STILL BEING ASHES on the table, the smell was bad enough to kick up my asthma.  

The free food is cool, but I kept making myself feel ill by bolting it because I was *working* for two of three meals.   AND, you really aren't supposed to take the floor samples (they're donated to the CT food bank).  Everyone does, but then says nasty things about the people who did when they get back to work.  I hate that sort of crap. 

Good Birthday!

 Today was my 32nd birthday.   The last few haven't been anything to write home about, and it's another year without having accomplished some of my goals, so I expected it to.. kind of suck, actually. 

The plan had been to go for sushi + eat it outside (Smith's Gardens are a favorite spot of mine), but the weather was inclement (90s + high humidity), so I'd given up on that. 

Also, yesterday I realized that what I did NOT want to do for my birthday was race home with farmshare veggies that I'd need to find a place to shove in the fridge - which would mean throwing out the veggies that were... past their prime + hadn't gotten used.  I hate that.  So, I needed to turn those veggies into food - but it was still 90, and too hot to cook. 

So, I thought I'd nap + then get up when it was cooler, cook, nap some more then get up + go a head with my day. 

Well, I woke up at 2am after 7 hours of sleep.   And started cooking. 

When Pax got home around 5, I had a corn chowder just about ready for him (great timing, I hadn't expected him home until the afternoon!).  I couldn't eat it (corn + potatoes + black pepper = poison for me!), but it smelled great.  He had a bowl before going to bed + I froze the rest for him to eat some other time.  

Then I made brownies for work + a stirfry for me for uh.. breakfast and lunch.   I also did dishes. 

I did my breakfast dishes before I left for work.  That is somehow the ultimate luxury in my head.   

Work was... work.  It wasn't great, but I'm learning a new system + was able to help a few people out.  And I made everyone happy with brownies (including me! ) My dad sent me an E-card from a museum with a pretty iris picture that I turned into my computer backgroud. 

My brother called + left me a message saying happy birthday!  

Then I went + got more veggies - I think they're mostly things we'll use this week, which is awesome.   And then I went + cut a bouquet for myself from the pick-yr-own flowers they have!  And I chatted with the girl who organizes the flowers + did a bit of weeding while I was at it. 

At home,  all the veggies fit in the fridge!   I checked my email + found tons of birthday wishes from friends, found a gift certificate for sushi on the computer from my boy + then we went for pizza - but the pizza place was closed, so we went to the Noho Brewing company.  The waitress was awesome, so we had a good excuse to tip her well.  By the time we got there, I was *starving*, but it really only made my food taste better :) 

The weather walking around was great - nice warm breezes, but not too hot.  It'll rain tonight or tomorrow + knock some of this humidity out of the air.  

Then we went for ice cream at Mt. Tom (were going to Herrell's, but the line was TOO long..)

And now I'm going to wash my hair + go to sleep. 

And yes, I have a weird idea of a good day - but that day, that day was great :)

Writer's Block: My Family's Future

What do you most want for your family’s future?
I just want there to be a family in my family's future.